Long time, no post....

I'm still having trouble with that left hip that I mentioned in the last post. Overdo it, sit wrong, sit too long, sit on something uncomfortable, whatever, and it flares up again-- I'm very scared about my Boston trip in a month. :-/ So far, the past month has involved lots of mild pain, lots of NSAIDS, and lots of trying not to aggravate it. Bleah!

I'm writing now because I finally had my first appointment with a doctor at the bariatric program. I weighed in at 355.48 or some fraction thereof, with a small amount of cheaty stuff in my pockets to fudge on the percentage loss they require before surgery (5% or between 17-18 pounds-- I probably only shaved off 3/4-1 pound of it with that stuff). They put me on a machine that calculated the weights of various body parts, but they did not give me the final tally of those weights, only percentages of those body parts that were fat and how much muscle I had and stuff like that. It was really interesting.

They also took my picture, the "before" part of the before and after shots they do. I must remember that I was wearing the blue tie dye DragonCon T-shirt (5x, with yellow decal) and the cargo pants pedal pusher jeans with the tie front, so that I can wear them again to see how they look in comparison. The t-shirt was tight on my stomach and the pants were not trying to fall down.

The machine they put me on said I needed to lose 140 pounds, which would not put me under 200, and that made me sad. The doctor, however, said I should tentatively target 160 pounds as a final weight, which is a loss of about 195 pounds. That's 10 pounds up from the Weight Watcher's estimate, which I thought was impossibly low given my large frame. It was also five pounds more than what the machine said was my current total lean weight. When I brought that discrepancy up, mom said I might lose muscle as part of the process.

I guess that's right, though too much muscle loss isn't desirable. At any rate, I know you'd need less to keep a 160 pound person going than you need to propel one who weighs nearly 356! Anyway, I'd just be happy to go under 200 pounds of weight, and that's a fact. Then I'd have the option to ride down into the Grand Canyon on a mule, even if I don't have the balls! I'll certainly have enough of them to do some of the other things I can't do now, like going to the beach when it's warm, or canoeing or hiking out to take pictures, and the suchlike....

The doctor said I would have to do the roux en y gastric bypass to get anywhere near 160 or even to go under 200. :( I don't like the thought of cutting out the lower half of my stomach, including the pyloric sphincter, but he was very emphatic about me needing to get down farther than the other one would go, and my insurance won't pay for the sleeve gastrectomy.

He was also emphatic about me needing a cholesterol test (shame on my current crappy doc for not having ordered me one already; the bariatric doctor was visibly appalled to hear that he hadn't-- which scared me into fearing that I might keel over and have a heart attack at any moment, without warning) and various other things. He said sleep apnea, which he thinks I have, might cause ankle swelling, which I tend to have lots of. He said I have to quit fast food and sodas and start exercising (a problem, given that damn hip) and try to get down to 2000 calories a day.

Other than that, most of my extra weight is in my "trunk," which I knew. I have the least amount of muscle there, too. I guess all the stair climbing at home and the chainmaille making have kept the arms and legs in some good amount of muscle.

Next up are a battery of blood tests (I've got to go in for those soon, bleah) and another doctor's appointment. Then apnea testing, psych testing, and various other things as the blood tests indicate.

Psychologically, this is all kind of nerve wracking, as my above-normal 151/99 BP at the appointment would indicate. I'm still extremely reluctant to actually have this surgery, especially as it'll be the roux en y; everything around it is intimidating, as is the life-long aspect, and I *hate* the notion of dumping syndrome, which is why I wanted sleeve gastrectomy, since you don't get dumping syndrome usually with that.

And other things come into it too... while I suppose they're saying the psych eval is more to determine I'm not clinically depressed or addicted to drugs, etc. I'm also afraid it will find something bad that bars me from the program. I mean, how much reluctance to have the surgery is too much? I don't want to have the surgery, but I do want the results.... go fig. At this point I have to keep remembering that if I don't get the surgery, I'm going to keel over and die soon. And I'll have low quality of life until I do.

I dunno. I'm very nervous about all these things, including some I suppose I shouldn't be worrying about. I keep thinking "this will be the last time I enjoy a big spread at Red Lobster. I won't be able to go pig out on sushi or Chinese if I ever make it to San Francisco." etc. And I keep thinking "I don't know HOW to be normal-- I don't know how to shop like a normal-weighted person, interact with men like a normal-weighted person...." it's something that makes me really fearful. Being fat is sometimes useful as a barrier between myself and things or people that frighten me.

And I know there are psychological reasons why I got this way. I don't know how they will be resolved. I don't know what will show up when the psych people go prying. I certainly don't have the money to indulge a lot more transfer addiction in the form of retail therapy. :P

This seems to be what I have to say today. More another time....